Sending Out An SOS

A group of concerned students in the UNC system has decided to March on Raleigh to demand changes in the wake of several recent incidents in the UNC system. Calling themselves the Stressed Out Students, or SOS, the group is seeking to expand on a number of student’s rights initiatives, which have already been implemented in the United Kingdom. They are hoping that the recent inauguration of Governor Roy Cooper will help their movement gain political momentum. Some incidents that led to formation of the new group include the following:

-Several freshmen math and science students at N.C. State reported being told that their answers were “wrong” in front of other students.
-On the day following the presidential election the counseling services center at UNC-Asheville was undermanned causing some students to have to wait nearly one hour to obtain counseling for post election depression.
-UNC-Chapel Hill has experienced budget cuts and has been forced to replace Orgasm Awareness Week with Orgasm Awareness Day.
-The Women’s Centers on several campuses have run out of condoms and sex toys causing numerous students to have to purchase their own in off campus stores that refuse to accept their UNC meal cards.
-The Appalachian State University library has refused to comply with requests for expanded trigger warnings to protect students from controversial novels by authors like William Faulkner, Mark Twain, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.
-A “Jesus is the Only Way” post made online by a Christian organization offended students at UNC-Wilmington. A subsequent request by “Students for Tolerance and Diversity” to ban all Christian groups was ignored by the UNC central administration.

As a result of these incidents, SOS is demanding the creation of new Stressed Out Students Centers on all seventeen campuses. According to the proposal, some of the SOS centers would be housed within already existing Student Activity Centers thus saving taxpayers money. For example, plans for a new SOS Center at UNCW include the following:

-Remove Chick-fil-A and replace it with a petting zoo for students overwhelmed by their exams and the prospect of encountering diverse opinions.
-Convert the already existing bookstore into a depository for stuffed animals. Students would be able to fondle the furry animals in times of stress and then return them to the front desk without using their student charge cards.
-Provide comic books and stress balls on all tables, chairs and couches in the student lounge area outside the LGBTQIA Office.

The proposal is broad and is sure to be controversial. However, the initial reaction from Governor Roy Cooper seems positive. When reach by an AP reporter, he said the following:

“I like the idea of SOS centers a lot. As Attorney General, I fought hard to limit free speech in the UNC system. I spent seven years in court trying to limit the free speech rights of professors who comment on controversial issues in columns and on social media. I also fought hard to restrict the rights of Christian student groups wanting to share the Gospel on campuses like N.C. State. I admit that I failed on both counts. The result is that students are still hearing a lot of ideas that don’t conform to their worldview. And they are stressed out. I share some of the blame for that and I plan to do something about it.”

When asked what he would do about the prospect of opposition to the SOS Centers from both the state legislature and the Board of Governors, Cooper simply stated, “To hell with them. I’ll just ram them through with a series of executive orders.”

When probed about the legality of using these executive orders, Cooper’s legal counsel declined to comment. For more on this developing story, please stay tuned and keep reading Rightly Offended.

3 thoughts on “Sending Out An SOS”

  1. See, now you’re simply providing suggestions these snowflakes will think are ‘Like, really really good ideas man!’ Somehow I don’t think their own absurdity will ever become evident to them. Love your posts here and on Townhall.

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