author’s note: i first ran a version of this nine years ago but a recent incident at northern arizona university (nau) has shown that the feminist grammar nazis still have not given up. you may read about that nau incident by clicking here.
when they aren’t attending masturbation workshops and orgasm awareness festivals on unc campuses, our feminist “scholars” are usually thinking of new words to ban in order to make womyn feel more comfortable in the workplace. recently, one of the sociologists at unc-wilmington actually banned the use of the term “mankind” because of its “sexist” overtones. but i write today, not for the purpose of ridiculing this seemingly outlandish feminist censorship. in fact, i’ve decided to join in with some new class rules i’ll use from now on (but not n.o.w. on).
1. all capital letters will be banned. for some feminists, capital letters are a reminder of an erect penis. so, from now on, all my class correspondence will have erectile dysfunction. i regret that i cannot take credit for this idea. it has already been employed by feminists at appalachian state university (sociology department) and unc-chapel hill (english department).
2. i will also ban the word “man,” replacing it with the word “person.” in fact, wherever the letters “m,” “a,” and “n” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “person.” this will be difficult but we will person-age. some examples follow:
democrats tend to favor unfunded government person-dates.
hillary clinton wants to be the first to get a person-icure in the oval office, though not the first to be pleasured in the oval office.
karl marx co-wrote the communist person-ifesto, which is required reading in most gender studies programs.
bill clinton used to fondle women in the governor’s person-sion.
and, finally, we have too person-y person-hating feminists teaching in our universities today.
3. i will also ban the word “his,” replacing it with the word “her.” in fact, wherever the letters “h,” “i,” (or, when appropriate, “y”) and “s” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “hers.” t-hers could be a difficult task. some examples follow:
i really dig hers-panic women, especially jessica alba.
hers-tory shows that fdr really was surrounded by communist spies. alger hers-s was one of them.
she had to go to the hospital to get a hers-terectomy.
4. i will also ban the word “men,” replacing it with the word “people.” in fact, wherever the letters “m,” “e,” and “n” appear consecutively, they will be replaced with the word “people.” this could prove to be a real people-ace. some examples follow:
some think al franken is suffering from male people-opause. i really think liberalism, like socialism, is a people-tal illness.
i’ve really been trying to people-d my differences with illegal aliens but, unfortunately, none of them speak good english.
“people at work” was clearly among the worst bands of the 1980s. “a flock of seagulls” gets honorable people-tion.
now, some – who are not in n.o.w. – will say my new feminist word-banning scheme is a bunch of person-ure. but i think it’s nothing short of hers-terical. and i really hope i’m not sounding people- dacious to my readers.
another author’s note: for those who are not particularly swift, dr. adams is not really going to imple- people-t this scheme. but the story of feminists banning the word “mankind” is, unfortunately, ongoing and true.