I’m just a lesbian … trapped in a man’s body

Author’s Note: I have a new favorite standup comedian. His name is Maheep Singh. He’s from India. It seems that for several months he was doing a comedy routine in which he joked that he was a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body. After doing the routine for a while, a friend of Maheep’s informed him that there was a columnist named Mike Adams who had previously written a column about being a man trapped in a lesbian’s body. Concerned that he would be seen as plagiarizing my work, Maheep wrote me all the way from India to assure me it was just an accident. Two great lesbian minds think alike! We became fast friends after I told him that I thought I stole it from another trapped lesbian named Rush Limbaugh. It brought back old memories. Accordingly, I have reposted this old column in Maheep’s honor.

I love writing columns on the subject of political correctness. Even more than writing the columns, I enjoy reading the email responses I get from readers all around the world. But there are some emails I get tired of answering. The most annoying are the ones warning me that I will lose my job as a university professor if I continue to criticize the campus diversity movement. The people issuing these warnings seem to know that college administrators are usually intolerant of dissent, despite their emphasis on diversity. But there is one thing they don’t know. I have an ace up my sleeve.

Many years ago, I attended a “trans-law” seminar here at the university. The purpose of the seminar was to talk about the unique legal difficulties facing trans-gendered persons in the workplace. Several students attended the seminar in order to earn extra credit for their sociology classes. I attended just for fun.

While I was at the seminar, a former law enforcement officer, who was dressed as a woman, explained, “sex is between the legs, while gender is between the ears.” She further explained that she felt like a woman on some days and that he felt like a man on others. In other words, he felt that she could become a member of a protected class whenever he wanted. That day he felt like a she.

That evening, I went home and did some research on the issue of sexual orientation. Specifically, I was curious as to the proper classification of someone who has a sex change (from man to woman) and then decides to continue to date women. Is such a person homosexual or heterosexual? I also wanted to know if I could ever become a member of a protected class because of what is “between my ears” as opposed to “between my legs.”

In order to answer these lofty intellectual questions, I logged on to the “project B-GLAD” portion of our university website. Specifically, I looked at the “trans-gender” section of the recommended reading list. The “trans-gender” section is right below the “spirituality” section and just above the “youth” section. (The link can also be used to access one of the sources Justice Kennedy used to write his opinion in Lawrence v. Texas. I never realized Kennedy was so cerebral).

While I was doing my research something strange happened. I guess you could say I had an epiphany. After all these years of thinking I was just a white male heterosexual Protestant Republican, I realized I was wrong. I’m really a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body.

Naturally, I was concerned that when I revealed this to my girlfriend, she would be alarmed. I even thought it might end our relationship. But that wasn’t so. When I told her about my condition, she came back with this stunning revelation: She’s really a gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. It seems we really were meant for each other!

So now you know my secret. If the university tries to fire me for my conservative views, I will reveal my Lesbian In a Man’s Body Orientation (LIMBO). Then I will argue that my conservative views are caused by my gender identity confusion. If they happen to be oblivious to the status of LIMBOs, I will just go ahead and get a sex change along with my girlfriend (I hope cosmetic surgeons offer “two for one” specials). Certainly, they will decide to keep me if I actually become trans-gendered. And if I don’t feel like being a woman anymore, I will simply change back to being a man. Hopefully, trans-trans- gendered persons will have the respect they deserve by the time I have my second surgery.

I hope these new revelations do not overwhelm my readers. I also hope that I haven’t used any politically incorrect terminology in explaining my dilemma. If I find out that have, I will enroll in the new “Queer Theory” course (no, I am not making this up) being offered next semester in the Sociology Department.

And maybe the new course in “Queer Theory” will help me answer some other questions. For example, when did it become politically correct to use the term “queer?” And why do we need “queer theories” if sexual orientation is genetically determined? Finally, does anyone in the class want to be seen as an individual?

3 thoughts on “I’m just a lesbian … trapped in a man’s body”

  1. I’ve told folks for decades that I considered myself a male lesbian. I guess that means I’m appropriating someone’s culture. I don’t know who’s, but I’m pretty sure I’m pissing someone off with this revelation.

  2. Many years ago Lewis Grizzard complained that he was bereft of an identity-he wasn’t black, he wasn’t a woman, he wasn’t poor, etc. Shortly after someone mentioned that Andrew Young had been asked why, he thought, had Jimmy Carter fared so poorly against Ronald Reagan. Young replied that it was all the smart assed white boys with whom Carter had surrounded himself. At that point Lewis said that he had a moment of enlightenment and realized his true identity was that of a smart assed white boy. Shortly afterwards upon hearing a lesbian on NPR I realized that not only am I a Smart Assed White Boy but I’m also a lesbian (I even enjoy reading Camille Paglia periodically). I am awfully confused although my wife does not seem to mind at all-nor does our pastor who confided that he shares my double identity. I enjoy your columns tremendously. Blessings.

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